10 Reasons Why You Should Kill Yourself

Suicide isn’t so bad, give it a chance.

Howtosuicide-building

Photo from Uncyclopedia

Thinking about suicide but you’re not sure if it’s the right thing to do? Here are some tips to help you decide whether or not killing yourself is a good choice:

1. Do you live at home but your parents are always making you clean your room and do your homework? It’s a sure sign that they don’t love you and that they want you to kill yourself. Why else would they make you clean your room? What are they going to do next, ground you? Make you wear braces? Don’t kid yourself, the message is clear.

2. If you just got out of a bad relationship and you feel like things are never going to get better; you’re right. Everyone knows that suicide is the only option, stop procrastinating. Look on the bright side, at least your ex will feel guilty for a couple of minutes–but don’t count on it.

3. Depressed? Don’t have any friends? I guess nobody told you, but being depressed and feeling lonely isn’t normal. Everyone else is happy, and has lots of friends so there must be something wrong with you. Put the prozac away, what you need is rat poison.

4. Spill a drink at a party? Drop a plate of food in a restaurant? Nobody else has to live with that kind of embarrassment; you know what you have to do.

5. Flunked out of college? Don’t know algebra? Here’s a question you should know the answer to: Flunked out of college + Don’t know algebra = Time for _____. Chances are you still don’t know the answer, so here’s a hint: it starts with an ‘s’ and ends in ‘uicide’.

6. Traffic jam? Sometimes bad luck isn’t a coincidence. Do you really want to sit in traffic for another half hour? Look on the bright side, if you’re a viking you’ll be going to Valhalla. Then again, you’re probably not, but eternal damnation in hell is probably the next best thing.

7. Telemarketers keep calling? It’s easier to hang yourself than to get rid of a telemarketer, am I wrong? If you’re lucky, Home Depot might be having a sale on rope. After all, you don’t want to die letting people think you weren’t frugal.

8. Flu? You realize that there’s no cure for the flu, right? Well, no cure that doesn’t involve painting the wall with your brains.

9. Flat tire? Do I have to spell it out for you?

10. College application get rejected? Take the hint.

Hope you found this guide helpful, mention it in your suicide note. On second thought, why bother? Nobody will read it.

***
Hilarious, right? Got this from here.

103 comments

    1. its honestly so amusing seeing everybody taking this seriously as if you didn’t google this yourself. don’t like this site? leave. its genuinely so simple. there’s so many other articles telling you to do the opposite. “nobody should joke about suicide” y’all forget that people cope differently. don’t push your agenda onto other people.

      Reply

  2. You’re right I’m vile and disgusting bc after a baby my body is no longer acceptable. Nobody wants to see this (and yes I exercise, but NOT GOOD ENOUGH). I’m done, washed out, no longer acceptable for society and it’s time to remove myself from the world.

    Reply

  3. You’re right I’m vile and disgusting bc after a baby my body is no longer acceptable. Nobody wants to see this (and yes I exercise, but NOT GOOD ENOUGH). I’m done, washed out, no longer acceptable for society and it’s time to remove myself from the world.

    Reply

  7. I think if i do kill myself it will be trying to make a statement.or do something worth wild. just so there is some meaning in the end at least.

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  9. let me tell you all something . something called SUISIDE is not the only option. if you are depressed ,going through painful break up, going trough a mental break down or going through something traumatic doesn’t mean that you should kill yourself . There are more other ways of DEALING WITH THOSE PROBLEMS rather than KILLING yourself . GET HELP OR SPEAK TO SOMEONE UNDERSTANDING OR SOME CLOSE TO YOU,IF NOT GET A SOCIAL WORKER OR SOMETHING but please don’t kill yourselves because its not a good option please.
    Keep yourself busy because keeping yourself busy removes bad thoughts and it REALLY WORKS TRUST ME I HAVE BEEN THERE . Just find something fun to do so that you can relieve yourself of all the bad thinking ,If doing something fun doesn’t help get something to care about like a pet . Having a pet also helps it helps a lot , or do community work it also helps
    but PLEASE DONT KILL YOURSLVES ITS NOT THE ONLY OPTION!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE

    Reply

    1. I have anxiety every dam day I don’t get a lot of sleep my antidepressant doesn’t work and my doctor won’t change them!!! What do I do need help!!!!! I’m always crying!!!!!! I feel like I’m going to chase everyone alway. I feel useless

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      2. people who are depressed to the point of wanting to kill themselves have reached the point where nothing uplifts or relieves their depression,and so activities that they before enjoyed doesn’t make the depression go away.Therefore it is futile to advice a depressed person to “do activities that they enjoy”.
        The advice that depressed person talk with a friend often doesn’t relieve your depression either. Often that friend is happy and upbeat, and can’t relate to your depression, when they themselves are doing OK.–So if you phone a friend,just don’t COMPLAIN about being depressed,if you do,it will be a very short phone call. The most they will do is give you one or two suggestion on how to relieve your depression, and then they say they have to go,and will end the phone call- this I know from experience.

        Best thing for depression is psychotherapy, and passage of time where you learn to deal with it,and it actually subsides somewhat over time-some things you just need to ride out. .Reduction of salt sugar,a mediteranean diet,and medication for depression are also helpful. Recommend herbal medications as apposed to chemical medication, herbals like ashwagandsa,lemon balm,melatonin,gaba,and others mood uplifting herbs.

    2. Yes, you are very right on all of the things you said but, the person who wrote this was making it a joke. They made it to make you laugh NOT SAYING to KILL YOURSELF really. I just cut myself and this made me feel better because it made me laugh. It’s almost reverse psychology It made me laugh and realize why I was thinking of killing myself was stupid. But yes you are right and this is a good message I’m just letting you know. I hope you have a good day.

      Reply

    5. Youre right if i go through another breakup i wont kill myself, thanks ill just kill my next ex 🙂 🙂 🙂

      Reply

  11. I wish this was written unironically, people need to realize that it’s ok to kill themselves because their life belongs to THEM and no one else! The reason for committing suicide might as well be irrelevant. Stubbed your toe? Quickly escape the pain by jumping out the window… assuming you live in a tall building. Nothing of value will be lost if you do it.

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  13. This has to be a joke, no one with a brain would allow such stupidity, 10 reasons.
    There is not even one reason in this s*** to kill myself.

    I am lonely, Depressed, Have no friends, got no job get betrayed, get lied too, my ex left me for another dude because of materialism. The world is F up, people are F up, Society puts you down, no one believes you, trust no one but yourself, everyone betrays you one day.
    I am still here after ups and downs, I got to tell you something, I too had suicidal thoughts. But not kneeling to suicide is what keep me standing. Now, more than ever I can say, glad I did not end my life over a meaningless matter.

    – Examine your life, you are not the subject, you are not the victim, you are Alive, what you have is worth more than negative thoughts that is the word of Satan, even in the darkest hour you are still thinking about living, don’t give up keep on living and one day when suicide is a thing of the past, go help those poor souls in need of suicide prevention they once were like you thinking of ending it all over meaningless things.

    I hope you can see past suicide and educate yourself, when things get hard try to learn life and the world around you, don’t keep thinking of terrible things that are happening to you, remind yourself everything happening to me is the reason I breathe and keep on moving, Life itself never stops until we stop breathing and wasting are breathing over suicide is like wasting money on worthless things that bring you no happiness in life but only Ego the same Ego that wants to end it all. When you want to commit suicide and end it all, start with your Ego, then you won’t be killing yourself over your Ego.

    Your Ego requires suicide, not you.

    PS: Death is Inevitable, we will all die one day, but why go early when you can have many experiences in life, start changing your mindset, change the way you look at things, change how you perceive things, don’t be bothered with what people say about who you are, you are the creation of endless creations you are infinite, and your life is precious to be wasted.

    When things get hard, just blaze a blunt get high have fun, at the end of the day don’t take life serious or else you won’t make it in life you should enjoy life not kill over it.

    Reply

    2. I will try to sum it all up for you….I was in a body cast for 6 months, was ran over by a large truck, broken arm 3 times, 6 broken fingers, 2 broken collar bones, 13 major surgeries, 20% of my brain cut out because of 9 tumors, years worth of seizures and now a wife that is no help what so ever, she has informed me several times that I am a lot of trouble. My family has pretty much disowned me, never calls to check on me, this includes the wife. When she gets home from her work, hardly ever does she talk to me. My son tells me when day he has a wife and 4 kids and they are his only family, he has no other…..so as a father to this guy, how would that make you feel?

      Reply

  18. I didn’t read the article, so I don’t know if this is a joke, but you should not be advising people to kill themselves!!!

    Reply

  20. Yeah, you’re right. This article was all the convincing I needed tbh 🙂 Hopefully I’ll be dead by the time you’re reading this I’ll be dead, and if not I’ll try again I guess.

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    3. you should go with the most relaxing way! Jumping off a high building is the way to go!
      I want to do it, but I can’t find high enough building. Sad I know.

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  23. Everyone… I think that we have all googled the same thing, thus we are here.
    We probably don’t care about ourselves, only the others. And let me tell you, I care about each one of you.
    Please. See another sunrise. See another sunset. See another winter, summer, spring and fall. A step and another.
    We are not bad, humans make us feel so. But the world is a peaceful place, nature and all. After all, we don’t harbour other people in our head. We are us.
    Here is a song for you, for all of us:

    Reply

    1. But some of us are pussies too. Some of us NEED practical advice on effective suicide methods that don’t hurt too much. Please offer some good methods.

      Reply

      1. Wanting to die. That doesn’t make you a “pussy“!! It just means you don’t have as much to live for and probably have the worst luck then other people!!

    1. You are having feelings of wanting to die. You wrote a suicide note.
      Something is making you feel that way?
      It must have been painful for you.
      I apologize if I’m wrong. I’m feeling suicidal too although I don’t know if your feeling is exactly the same as mine.

      Reply

    1. Hello. I’m sorry. I’m just a random stranger on the internet. I’m so sorry if you are considering taking your own life. You might feel like your feelings are ignored if I irresponsibly try to stop you from acting on it without understanding your circumstances. but please remember that you are important. You matter. You deserve your happiness no matter what.
      You are not alone. Calling for help is a first, and also a huge step.

      https://www.suicidestop.com/call_a_hotline.html

      Reply

    2. Wow. This just made me realize how much if a stupid, whiny, selfish bitch I am. Feel bad for my parents honestly, they have (well, one of them) has to deal with my shit daily. Heh, at least I’m never going to act on it. I don’t deserve such an easy way out.

      Reply

  28. its whatever ig i got tuched by my uncle for 3 years and my aunt just did NOTHING i now have to live with that every single FUCKING day

    Reply

  30. I just got off another article about why you shouldn’t kill your self, and idk who has stupider reasons supporting their side but both are trash. You can’t tell someone “it’s never going to get better” or “things will get better” your not a fucking oracle, nor are you allowed to command them to do what you want. There’s tons of reasons that support both sides of dying or not dying. Some people have the worst shitiest life possible, some are pretending to cry their hearts out for attention on the internet while living in a mansion. Some people are living in a mansion and still want to kill themselves.Depression affects everyone differently. Some have it from bad experiences, some have it from genes or a brain injury. And there’s different ways of treating it. And trying to guilt trip people into killing/not killing themselves doesn’t help. In the end, you can try to convince people to your side, but if you fail like this article, then you will just make the persons exprience worse. The best route is just to support their decision on whatever they want to do.

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  31. Ok you people need to realize this is a joke not a dick dont take it so hard if yoyre really having a hard struggle seek help i 100% believe you can find someone who cares and find some semblance of help. Now that being said i want to fucking kill myself sometimes and this made my cry laughing untill you selfish cunts decided to make it about you just read the joke and fuck off from the point of view of the words on the screen you dont matter its a genius comedy bit and its not for you so just dont read it moron nobody forced you but to say its not ok well let me put it to you this way its fucking fine and i love it

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  32. I’m going to kill myself in thirteen days. I’m really fucking bored and just browse the internet to find this.
    “This’ll definitely make me want to do it more.”
    I was right.
    Suicide isn’t a joke. This actually hit home for me. These kinds of things shouldn’t be joked about.
    Thank you for reading I guess.

    Reply

    1. How’d it work out. Am debating on wether or not to do the same, however my life isn’t shit, it’s normally fine. However when I do get depressed it’s enough to negate all the good. So if you are still alive, what method did you use or recommendations. And if you succeeded, congrats and I hope you have a good afterlife or whatever you believe in

      Reply

      1. Honestly I wonder how we even got through covid… well I guess I COULD just catch the virus and suffer before I leave this world.

      1. I wish. I Hope I have the confidence to jump off my apartment building. I think that you’re dead already. so I am talking to a person who already died. hehe I guess I am crazy. welp goodbye world! I just wanted to share something before I go.

      3. Dear Lacey
        Sorry, I couldn’t find reply bottom on your comment, so I’m writing here. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling suicidal. I would like to listen to you. You are not crazy. I hope you can get the help you need and if you need some to talk to, I’ll offer a listening ear.
        Sincerely

    4. you should blame yourself for even googling this shit and actually taking it seriously. wtf did you expect.

      Reply

    1. Dont kill yourself you are the perfect candidates for my group. We will just find a way to do some good with that bad feeling like go kill some child molesters or whoever made you feel that way fuck them ! How bout dat yall? I am on your side and I will stick up for you protect you you are not alone just know that. If anyone needs my help email me.

      Reply

  35. I feel like this person has never had t deal with severe depression or feeling like nobody loves you. Let me tell you IT FUCKING SUCKS. I hate this as someon who deals with severe depression this is not funny whatsoever

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  36. This article was bad because it didn’t relate to me in any way. Math is easy for me, I don’t want to be in a relationship and dropping a dish is a common mistakes I’ve seen many other people have done.
    I only agree about the depression about having no friends and maybe about the college too. Some better reasons to commit suicide is (1) if people often mock you or (2) you’ve done something embarrassing in the public that you can’t forget about or (3) if you still live with your parents and can’t get a job or (4) people don’t want to be around you or (5) you have a mental disorder or (6) users dislike you on the internet and you get banned often on sites or (7) you’re ugly and fat or (8) your home environment is terrible and disgusting or (9) your family is really poor.
    Thank you, but you can always prevent yourself from committing suicide. You might also never kill yourself as most people can’t cause of fear.

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    1. Oh and (10) is how bad your grammar is. Good bye people. I’m going to kill myself for not checking my misspells.

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    2. I guess you’re right… I always seem to have bad memories as a burden. I think killing myself would solve the problem. If you are already dead that is fine. for those reading this comment, I guess I’m no longer in this world. this might as well not even exist. I already know that suicide is NOT a funny thing to talk about. Goodbye I guess

      Reply

    3. Thanks This is my first guest to visit me in hell. Yes sir You! I be waiting for you with my coring knife. You like anal sex with sharp long objects? Well, after what happens to you when you die. we will need lots of string and glue. Dont worry Until that day but until then I will be waiting for you. P.S Im to tired to do it some its all you man. Dont trip;)

      Reply

      1. Hello
        I don’t know what you have been through, i’m so sorry that something made you feel that way.

        If you are thinking about taking your life, please seek help.
        I don’t mean to force you, but I really hope that you seek help.

        “International Suicide & Emergency Hotlines” https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines

  37. Okay, no this is actually not okay. This is so stupid, it’s not funny at all. Suicide is not a joke, people don’t actually kill themselves or seriously think about killing themselves because of these things. You don’t just make suicide into a joke. Maybe you doing realize it but to people who actually are suicidal and depressed this is not at all funny but instead really hurtful and frustrating! I’m suicidal and I’m 15 and personally I found this really rude and upsetting. Suicide is a serious matter not to be made fun of. Don’t be an idiot.

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  39. HAHAHA OK this is pretty damn funny. I’m a pretty emo dude but this made me bust up hahaha thank you for that(:

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  42. You are NOT fucking funny! I don’t care if its suppose to be funny. This made me legitimately mad af. Just stop I hate you.

    Reply

    1. I wish I could say the same… This made me sad and want to die more. all of my memories came back to me reminding me on why I wanted to die in the first place. so many things traumatized me as a kid. (personal issue) I really do agree with you though. Have a good life/death

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  44. This is beyond fucked up. Suicide is NOT a joke and should never be treated as one.
    How would you feel is some poor sad fucker came across this, agreed and actually killed themselves.

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    1. That would make the person who wrote this a possible murderer. to be honest this made me want to die more. more reasons to kill myself. It seems like this person doesn’t know what it feels like, or has never gone through something to make them feel like they should kill themselves.

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      1. It would be assisting suicide, but the author wouldn’t know so I don’t know how that would work out in court if someone were to sue them.

  45. worthless whore thinks she understands suicide thinks she understands despair “oh look at all those lazy stupid suicidal people” i should kill *you*

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  47. My teacher says I have to read Les Misérables this year, but I think I’d rather just kill myself. 😉

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      1. My sister read it in in the original French, so I kinda feel like a lazy slug not wanting to read it in English, but it’s 4″ thick!

      2. NGL I’m not actually going to kms. I’ve spent my entire life living for other ppl and the thought of leaving them distraught and depressed has kept me from leaping off of the edge/taking a toaster bath/cutting my arms/whatever.

        Now that I’m getting older, there are more bills to pay, expectations to meet- and it makes me so tired. The exhaustion subsides when I do dumb little things like video games or playing my little Violin. But by the very nature of those activities, it’s a fleeting escape. I have nothing gained or further desire to live until the next time I play games or music. And work- don’t get me started. It’s nowhere near affordable to buy a house and pay for food. I just don’t see the purpose of paying all this money in the fruitless pursuit of happiness or meaning. It’s just not happening for me, and if I feel like if it hasn’t happened yet it’ll never happen.

        Yk for the past 10 years I’ve been telling myself to wait until all of my family & and friends are gone to minimize the destruction me kms would cause. What a red flag right? Anyways that feeling hasn’t gone away and I’m starting to take it as a real viable way out.

        Knowing me, I’ll never actually kms. I find release in dreaming about what the perfect strategy would be and how I’d for sure get away with it. It’s pure fantasy, but it gives me some kind of autonomy in this life I’m almost trapped in.

        W/e. I’ll just keep on dreaming about death until I get T-boned by a massive truck going 80kms 🙏🙏 (the “by accident” ones are the best)

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