Why ‘friendly’ is tantamount to ‘bullshit’

I don’t believe in ‘friendly.’ ‘Friendly’ is overrated. And overused. In fact, if a professor asks a class or a facilitator in a seminar asks his audience which one word best describes them, chances are 60 to 70 per cent of them will write down ‘friendly’ when really they represent a proportion of the world’s doucheness and/or bitchiness.

Don’t get me wrong though, there’s nothing wrong with being a douchebag or a bitch or a whore or being self-centered bastard just as long as you’re honest about it. Our individuality and personalized issues make the world an interestingly chaotic place. But if I were your professor and you tell me you’re friendly, trust me I’m going to give you a pat on the back. With my samurai sword.

friendlyWhat the fuck is ‘friendly’ anyway? It’s simply a term used by whiny wussies and pussies who are always in dire need of sugarcoating and being politically correct. I mean, instead of telling me you’re ‘friendly’ and kind and pleasant, why can’t you just be blunt enough to ask me if you could copy my fucking assignment or bogart my fucking potato chips? Isn’t that what real ‘friends’ do? And instead of being all ‘friendly’ and charming, won’t you save yourself a colossal amount of time if you could just be man enough to tell her “Hey I’m John and I want to eat your pussy” or if you’re gay, his insatiable rectum? Love is something that straight people tell themselves they’re in, so they can get laid. And then they end up hurting each other, because it was all based on lies to begin with, says Brian Kinney. Wouldn’t the world be a better and a more convenient place if you could just frankly tell your annoyingly ugly classmate or officemate who’s been hitting on you that he’s annoyingly ugly and that you can’t stand his face? He’s going to get offended, yes, but trust me, he’ll get over it. Unless of course he’s a male Adele who doesn’t get over anyone or anything.

As children, we’re told that honesty is the best policy. It is also the most uncomplicated and the easiest. But why is it so hard to practice? Emos will say too much honesty could hurt feelings. But so is lying, right? In fact, lying and sugarcoating, most of the time, lead to misinterpretations which could result to further complications. So why do we still prefer ‘friendly’? Is it because we’re cowards? Martyrs? Kiss assers?

I am sometimes ‘friendly’, too. And my reason is simple. Everybody deserves hope. A critical patient needs to be told that everything is going to be okay  to give him hope to keep going. An ugly person needs to be told that he isn’t ugly to give him hope that one day he’ll fall in love with the right person. Your suspecting mother needs to be told you’re not having unprotected sex with your perverted boyfriend to give her hope that her teenage daughter isn’t going to just magically turn into a teenage mom one day just like her. There’s no such thing as false hope. There is only hope or the absence of hope. Hope, no matter how slim, can never be false.

‘Friendly’ is bullshit. But ‘friendly’ is also the least bullshit of all bullshits in the world.


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