10 Reasons Why You Should Kill Yourself

Suicide isn’t so bad, give it a chance.

Howtosuicide-building

Photo from Uncyclopedia

Thinking about suicide but you’re not sure if it’s the right thing to do? Here are some tips to help you decide whether or not killing yourself is a good choice:

1. Do you live at home but your parents are always making you clean your room and do your homework? It’s a sure sign that they don’t love you and that they want you to kill yourself. Why else would they make you clean your room? What are they going to do next, ground you? Make you wear braces? Don’t kid yourself, the message is clear.

2. If you just got out of a bad relationship and you feel like things are never going to get better; you’re right. Everyone knows that suicide is the only option, stop procrastinating. Look on the bright side, at least your ex will feel guilty for a couple of minutes–but don’t count on it.

3. Depressed? Don’t have any friends? I guess nobody told you, but being depressed and feeling lonely isn’t normal. Everyone else is happy, and has lots of friends so there must be something wrong with you. Put the prozac away, what you need is rat poison.

4. Spill a drink at a party? Drop a plate of food in a restaurant? Nobody else has to live with that kind of embarrassment; you know what you have to do.

5. Flunked out of college? Don’t know algebra? Here’s a question you should know the answer to: Flunked out of college + Don’t know algebra = Time for _____. Chances are you still don’t know the answer, so here’s a hint: it starts with an ‘s’ and ends in ‘uicide’.

6. Traffic jam? Sometimes bad luck isn’t a coincidence. Do you really want to sit in traffic for another half hour? Look on the bright side, if you’re a viking you’ll be going to Valhalla. Then again, you’re probably not, but eternal damnation in hell is probably the next best thing.

7. Telemarketers keep calling? It’s easier to hang yourself than to get rid of a telemarketer, am I wrong? If you’re lucky, Home Depot might be having a sale on rope. After all, you don’t want to die letting people think you weren’t frugal.

8. Flu? You realize that there’s no cure for the flu, right? Well, no cure that doesn’t involve painting the wall with your brains.

9. Flat tire? Do I have to spell it out for you?

10. College application get rejected? Take the hint.

Hope you found this guide helpful, mention it in your suicide note. On second thought, why bother? Nobody will read it.

***
Hilarious, right? Got this from here.

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15 comments

  1. This article was bad because it didn’t relate to me in any way. Math is easy for me, I don’t want to be in a relationship and dropping a dish is a common mistakes I’ve seen many other people have done.
    I only agree about the depression about having no friends and maybe about the college too. Some better reasons to commit suicide is (1) if people often mock you or (2) you’ve done something embarrassing in the public that you can’t forget about or (3) if you still live with your parents and can’t get a job or (4) people don’t want to be around you or (5) you have a mental disorder or (6) users dislike you on the internet and you get banned often on sites or (7) you’re ugly and fat or (8) your home environment is terrible and disgusting or (9) your family is really poor.
    Thank you, but you can always prevent yourself from committing suicide. You might also never kill yourself as most people can’t cause of fear.

  2. Okay, no this is actually not okay. This is so stupid, it’s not funny at all. Suicide is not a joke, people don’t actually kill themselves or seriously think about killing themselves because of these things. You don’t just make suicide into a joke. Maybe you doing realize it but to people who actually are suicidal and depressed this is not at all funny but instead really hurtful and frustrating! I’m suicidal and I’m 15 and personally I found this really rude and upsetting. Suicide is a serious matter not to be made fun of. Don’t be an idiot.

  3. HAHAHA OK this is pretty damn funny. I’m a pretty emo dude but this made me bust up hahaha thank you for that(:

  4. This is beyond fucked up. Suicide is NOT a joke and should never be treated as one.
    How would you feel is some poor sad fucker came across this, agreed and actually killed themselves.

  5. worthless whore thinks she understands suicide thinks she understands despair “oh look at all those lazy stupid suicidal people” i should kill *you*

      1. My sister read it in in the original French, so I kinda feel like a lazy slug not wanting to read it in English, but it’s 4″ thick!

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