To Kristian–my soulmate

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Truth is, it is a struggle writing you a letter. And it is not because my mind is devoid of thoughts of you. On the contrary, it is the other way around.

You fill me up.

Like water to the river bed and the basins of the world’s oceans.

You fill me up.

The way the sunlight filters through the morning mist, enveloping the open meadows and the gloomy emptiness of this city.

You fill me up.

And not in the regular ways regular people would.

You see, I am not empty. Not anymore. Gone are the days when I needed others to complete me. Days of random beeps and casual fucks. Of broken embraces and hollow kisses. For years, I have been stranded in such a hopeless phase.

Not anymore.

That is not to say I am a full-fledged, perfect human being. I still have my insecurities, I just do not lead with them. I do not expect people to meet my needs. I do not expect them to see me they way I see them. If I gave someone my attention, that is because they deserved it, not because I needed theirs.

And so the first time we met, I was ready for it to be the last.
The first time I held your hand, I was more than ready to let you go.
The first time we kissed, I was prepared to tear my lips away from yours.

This is despite the fact that I was crazily into you and you had me at “hello”.

I am self-sufficient. Independent and unconstrained. Nietzsche’s semi-Übermensch.

And so are you.

We are not puzzle pieces created to complete each other. We are our own ultimate creation. Two fucking galleries housing eclectic life art. Our walls are lined with colorful memories of ecstasy and ache, of sickness and health, of love and heartbreak.

I will remember what it’s like to feel entire
I will remember what it’s like to feel entire
I will remember what it’s like to feel entire
I’m not a puzzle piece, I am the whole damn frame

We are two lone individuals with his own stories to tell. Two wild souls with quirks disparate from the conforming society. We wave the vulgar colors of our hair as flags of a silent revolution from within. We are free and we do not hold back. We are bold and we cannot be shushed. We know nothing of borders and care nothing for rules. And we do not appreciate being owned.

We’re the last of our kind
And we’re all that we know
And we’re out of our minds
Not afraid to be brave though.

But our stars collided.

Amidst the disheveled bookshelves and the scent of fresh paper, you and I burned so bright. My eyes were flames and your body was the moth. We played a little game of hide and seek until our eyes crossed.

Then, we had pizza.
Then, we shared words.
Then, we spent time.

Then… we loved.

Despite our differences and intricacies, we loved. Despite the occasional clashes and varying opinions, we loved. But we remain standing on our own two feet. We do not put up with each other’s bullshit. And babe, know what? What we have is a gift.

In Plato’s Symposium, he said the first humans were created with four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces. They had great strength at the time and endangered the status of the gods. So Zeus split each human in half and left them to wander aimlessly around the mortal world, searching for their other half. Their one true soul mate.

It is said that when the two find each other, there is an unspoken understanding of one another, that they feel unified and would lie with each other in unity and would know no greater joy than that.

Babe, you are my soulmate and you fill me up.

But not in the way atoms would fill a vacuum.

You fill me up the way rain transforms a fertile land. Your every drop inspires love and life in me. Because of you, I grow flowers and trees. Because of you, I love. You bring out the best in me.

You fill me up.

And I’m here hoping I fill you up the way you fill me up, too.

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