It’s been a while since I shared some of thoughts and feelings on here. It’s probably because I have never been to them in a very long time. Work and love have been eating up most of my time. But it’s 1 AM and my boyfriend is working on a Pokémon video tutorial and I’m finally done with the chapters of a book I am writing for work so… yeah. Finally, I have time to ruminate. And here goes.
I feel like I do not belong.
Last night I was talking stuff with my boyfriend, telling him how I just want to “run away and be free” (of course it would be perfect if it was with him). Today, I guess I have finally come to terms with why I have been feeling this. It’s because I do not belong. I have been walking the streets of this busy city for twenty six years (okay, not really but I’m exaggerating to make a point haha), looking for my place in the sun but somehow I always end up feeling more alienated.
It’s, like, I’ve always loved writing and people say they like what I write but don’t think I’m a “writer”. I’m good at the work that I do but prefer to wander and get lost (in the world and in my thoughts). I like having money but material things don’t excite me. I hate religion but I am very spiritual. I’m a citizen of my country but this society has always made me feel like a foreigner.
I do not belong. Twenty six years later, I still don’t know who and what I am and where I fit in. And I guess that is okay. Maybe “not belonging” is not always a bad thing. Maybe I should stop pressuring myself into contributing a huge dent in society because that is not my infinity. Maybe I should stop looking for an identity. For certainty. Maybe not having an identity is MY identity. Maybe I was meant to live my life on the edge. Maybe I should stop pursuing labels because labeling myself will be the same thing as limiting and obscuring the larger truth of who I am.
Belonging isn’t everything.
I should stop trying to fit in and just follow wherever my heart leads me.