Never one thing

I am a multiverse. Sometimes I feel like there’s just so many dimensions of my personality that I lose track of who I am. And the thing that gets me is I love every fragment of myself and it sometimes gets exhausting because it’s like loving so many people all at once.

It’s, like, I love books, but I also love video games and movies and TV that I feel horrible whenever I’m forced to “shelve” one of my passions just so I can focus on one. It’s wanting to do great in the field of social sciences but at the same time, not wanting to compromise my love for art and literature. It’s making the most of my caring personality, but not to go far as compromising the preservation of self. Because when you give too much of who you are, sometimes it requires you to give up some aspects of what you have become.

I’m never one thing but many. I don’t like to be pinned down–my character, myself–to one thing. This changeability and unpredictability of my character is probably why most people think I’m an enigma that’s challenging to solve. Or why some people think I’m a pretentious ass who’s making it all up and why they easily get sick of me. Trust me, if I could change, I would.

And you know what I find depressing? It’s when all of a sudden, I unearth a forgotten passion that I’ve invested so much energy on in the past, and realizing how much I care for this tiny speck of my being and then feeling guilty for my neglect of it. As a human being with limited time and capacity, this can be quite stressful because you can only do so much with the short amount of time and energy the universe has bestowed on you.

Sometimes I wish I could just be like everyone else–find one fragment of who I am, nurture it and be a master of it. I wish I could stop trying to be a jack of all trades but a master of none. But it’s not that easy for me. I love every part of who I am and it feels like if I lose even just one bit, I fall apart.

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