This is a self-absorbed post.

Mat: Hey, how are you? Haven’t heard from you in a while.

Jan: Hi. Sorry I’ve been feeling pretty depressed lately and have no energy to chat. I might be bipolar. Some days I can be quite manic. Some, just down. How are you?

Mat: Maybe you’re just under a lot of stress of going through something? I’m always here f you want to talk. Maybe if this keeps going for a while, see a professional? But I think you’re fine. Just try to get through things just one step at a time and take the time to really feel what you are feeling and express yourself.

By the way, I’m doing fine. I’m heading to work. Had a nice weekend though. I would have wanted it to be longer, excited about the long weekend again. What about you?

Jan: Don’t worry. I can cope. Been going through these episodic bouts with depression since forever. Loneliness does take its toll sometimes. I’ve always projected myself as this independent young person who’s on his own but is happy. And that is true. I am happy with my own company. But sometimes you just want to be with someone to share moments with. I might just drink my thoughts away.

Mat: Yes I can relate to that. Well try not to get sucked into that so much and I don’t think drinking is such a good idea. Try watching Inside Out, incredibly enlightening. And I’m sorry to hear you’ve been I guess in a way struggling with depression and loneliness. I do relate to the part about being alone and happy but wanting someone sometimes to share the moments. I think that’s what most people strive for. But just remember that it’s better than settling for less than you deserve. We all deserve the best and it’s just about waiting for the right person to share it all with, and not waste time with people who don’t really matter.

Jan: Thanks. Maybe I should watch Inside Out! I’ll find time for that. And yes, that’s one thing that makes it more difficult–I know how much I’m worth and I shouldn’t just settle for anyone just because I’m feeling lonely today. We accept the love we think we deserve, right? Most of the time though the people we like don’t seem to see how much we’re worth. And that’s… Ugh.

Mat: It’s always a struggle. I totally relate to that. Sometimes we may like someone or some people and they don’t like us back but at the end of the day if they can’t see how awesome we are it just means they aren’t really worth it.

Jan: 100%, Mathew. 100%. Sometimes I try to bare my soul for the world to see how beautiful it is. But the world doesn’t see soul; it sees body. So I end up hiding back, feeling vulnerable and worthless than before. I guess this is why I’ve been trying so hard to meet someone who encapsulates the world for me. A world reduced to this amazing man. A man who can see my soul and is willing to be my world so I can finally stop baring my soul to anyone but him. And that would be enough. Sometimes, even too much. But attaining that can be quite a challenge. Because the world doesn’t see soul; it sees body.

Mat: Maybe that’s also the problem. I know the world sees body not only that but how we act and perception by maybe the problem you’re so drained is that you bare everything always. That’s extreme and too much. It’s like the sun shining in people’s faces, you blind them of what they can see and appreciate. Build walls and only show enough. You don’t need to bare all so that you can find someone who sees it. You bare a little and find someone who wants to see more or the rest of you. It’s tiring because you’re constantly on beast mode.

Jan: I bare all because I want them to see from the get-go who I am and what I am about. If they don’t like it, they can go. If they do, then can try. Dig deeper. I noticed that the people I attract aren’t from this place. Maybe here isn’t where I belong.

By the way, Fiona Apple is a great artist. She’s making me feel so much better.

Mat: I agree she is a great artist. I love Ugly Girl. Lol. Super funny song. I think online dating isn’t for everyone. And I feel like I don’t attract anyone on these sites and apps as well. It’s just hard to meet people in real life. Well I do see your point about you baring it all, you do what feel good for you. So keep it up if that’s what makes you feel you.

These dating apps aren’t the rule. I mean people who find something are the exception and the rest of us are the rule, which is that you really won’t find much that’s worth while and you might, if you are lucky enough.

Jan: If you’re right, then what the hell are we still doing here? Lol. I read from a Time article that you don’t get lucky by doing nothing. So I guess thats why I’m taking my chance on here. ‘Cuz you never know.

I mean it can be depressing–online dating–but at least you aren’t just lazing your ass off. You’re actually trying to make things happen and that’s good.

Mat: Yeah I guess that’s exactly the reason why we are still on here. Haha. You answered your own question. For me it’s my way of being pro-active. Meet people talk to people and maybe they become the gateway to actually meeting someone.

Besides, I like talking to you and looking at your pictures 😉 Haha.

Jan: Haha. I don’t really like ‘meeting people’ or lots of them so networking isn’t my thing. I’m very introverted. I just want to find that one special person who clicks and then stick with him.

Nothing special with my photos. You can find so many hot guys here.

Why do you think you intimidate them?

Mat: Well there are hot guys but you have this appeal. Your half-naked photos do it for me. Haha.

I was able to ask some of them to expound why I’m intimidating and they say it’s ’cause of how I carry myself and I exude this “Intellectually Superior” persona that they feel they can’t keep up of. There’s this pressure since I’m super classy and all that. I just like rolled my eyes. Gosh, grow some balls.

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