To Whom It May Concern

I never fail to write my great loves an essay. You are a great love. Therefore, you deserve a banquet of my feelings.

The thing about proses I write for my great loves, I can count with one hand those that are of euphoria. Bliss. Happiness. Most of them are an offspring of failure. Of detachment. Of heartbreak. Unfortunately, my first essay for you uses the same genesis. But it’s not because I was not happy in all these months that we’ve been together. Those were some of the happiest months of my life. But writers like me are essentially antidepressants; potent only when immersed in a bloodstream of sadness and vitriol.

I don’t need you.
But I want you.
Because I love you.

And because I love you, it is my moral obligation to allow you to have the kind of happiness you deserve–one that my selfish, self-sufficient self can probably never offer you.

And because I love you, I refuse to give myself anymore the power to inflict you suffering and pain. When love starts to sting, it’s time to re-examine that love.

I don’t need you.
But I want you.
Because I love you.

And it is better than needing because it’s pure.

You’re the sun and I am the moon. We thrive in the same universe but our hearts can never meet. Through your light, I glow. Through my presence, I give you rest. Our symbiosis gives life to everything it touches. It gives color to a rose and waves to a dying ocean. But no matter how congruent our motivations are, we can never understand each other because we speak different languages. We’re borne from different materials. Different substances. And therefore, assume different essences. But our contradictions don’t make us strangers. We better each other in a way that doesn’t assume nor intrude. I am a better me because you exist. And you’re a better you because I am here.

Your name is forever etched in my own sentimental map. You are Antonio. You are UST. You are Boracay. And each time I’m in those places, you are taking the same steps with me. And I hope I am, too, with you.

Remember how our first conversation was actually an argument over a wedding? Should we have taken that as a hint that what we’re about to do is ill-fated? Remember the stresses of our first few months? The issues and all the drama? Were they omen of things to come? To be honest, I do not care anymore. But I’m proud of how brave we two are for defying the hands of fate. Against all odds, we became lovers. And although our relationship was far from ideal, we’ve learned some important lessons, didn’t we? Through our differences, we’ve gotten to know ourselves more.

This is not a message of good-bye. More like an immortalization of our beautiful love. And a heartfelt letter of gratitude and my acquiescence to your freedom and second shot at happiness. We all deserve to be happy in the way we want to be happy. We all deserve to be loved in the way we want to be loved. And you’re an amazing person and a great boyfriend. You deserve your definition of happiness.

I implore you to think about not cutting all our ties. To cherish our memories as we cherish them now. If you need space, I can give you space. You’re a free man and can lick all your wounds from afar. But once you’re healed, I would like to let you know that I am here and that in my heart, what we had remains alive.

You are loved,
Jan

you-are-loved-green-enough-for-me1

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