9 Things My Next Boyfriend Should Know

Found a similar article on Thought Catalog; decided to do my own version only because I’m motherfucking single and I can.

Lovers

Dear next boyfriend,

My name is Jan. I’m not quite sure whether we’ve met already or not but I would like to give you a few pointers on what it’s like having me in your life. I don’t want to sound threatening but while I would like to think that I am nice and worthwhile and shit, there are a few things I would like you to know about me. Although most of these things are probably unpleasant, I promise I am worth the effort and the trouble (I think).

1. I won’t always be in the mood to give you head.

While I’m pretty sure I’m going to love making love to you, I won’t always be in the frame of mind to suck your cock. And it’s not because I don’t like doing it or your dick isn’t beautiful. It’s just that sometimes all I really want to do is cuddle and talk about us rather than have your dick inside my mouth. Also, I’m a working graduate student; I’m exhausted most of the time. But if you could really turn me on like a rabbit, you might just get what you ask for.

2. I ‘come’ a lot.

Like, a lot. Like, ‘I can impregnate a woman five times in one fucking’ lot. Also, I ‘come’ like Mount Pinatubo. I’m messy and I can’t help it. So if you don’t mind having your sheets and pillows covered in jizz, keep loving me! This means that I’m healthy though, right?

3. When you feel like I’m pushing you away, I really just want you closer.

Yes, I am that annoying type of girl. Guy. Gay. Here’s an advice though: when you feel like I’m starting to sound bitchy and sarcastic, just do something romantic like pulling my hand to capture me in a tight hug and seal my lips with yours or do anything that would happen to Sarah Geronimo on some stupid Valentines Day movie.

4. Don’t ever ask me whether or not you’re gwapo.

Because you won’t be my boyfriend in the first place if you’re butt ugly. Ugh. I mean, of all my pet peeves, dating an insecure gay guy (the only thing worse than an insecure guy is an insecure gay guy) has to be on top of the list. They date you as a form of self-validation and once you feed them with compliments and shit, with a bloated ego, they leave.

5. Never diss my love for Marian Rivera.

I fucking love her like Jesus Christ loves Mary Magdalene so please, if you don’t have anything good to say about her, just shut the fuck up.

6. You can always be honest with me.

Actually, I coerce you into always being honest with me. I’m kinda like Clive Owen on Closer; I’m obsessed with the truth. I have a tense relationship with truth. And I’d rather have you kill me with it than invigorate me with lies. If you’re cheating on me, just say “I’m fucking someone else” and we’ll call it a day. Depending on the gravity of your mistake though, always expect me to get even.

7. If you can’t factor me in your life, just break up with me.

I appreciate a ‘we’ or an ‘us’ more than I heart an expensive dinner date or a crazy gift. “We’ll grow old together and raise our kids in a home we built.” “Let us go to Baguio tonight and fuck our brains out.” Isn’t it just normal for a human being who’s in love with another human being to always include him in his plans and all? I mean, why would you go to an out-of-town trip on your own when you have a partner who’s available to join you? And who needs ‘alone time’ when you’re madly in love with someone? I can tolerate ‘alone time’ but not until 6 months down the relationship.

8. Likewise, break it off if you can’t picture a future with me.

I am a lady. I may not have a vagina but I’m a motherfucking gay prince in some phallic-shaped castle in a forest. And I believe in love and happy endings. I believe that someday, I am going to marry the perfect guy and have his test tube babies. But if you’re one of those guys who’s motto is ‘come what may,’ do me a favor and break up with me.

9. Just be you.

Forever. And always.

P.S. I’ll be here. Waiting.

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