I’ve been meeting some guys from Grindr lately and I thought it would be nice to share these escapades with my readers (if I have any). Or probably I’m just really running out of profound ideas to write about (not that my blog has a lot of ‘intellectual’ contents, but most of them I wracked my heart and mind to write). Guess that’s what being a professional-cum-UP student does to you: it robs you of your creativity and wit. Even my tweets have become stale and boring. Like Vice Ganda.
Anyway, now that I’m back in the singles’ market, I have decided to write extensively about my return to the gay dating world also known as ‘being on Grindr 24/7‘. And trust me when I say it’s a tough world out there for a single gay man, especially when you’re but an average-looking nerd who’s also picky and proud. Like me.
I will be calling this series The Men I Meet on Grindr.
Before anyone gets into reading my posts under this series, please be informed that they might include sexual content not readable for uptight Filipino conservatives. We’re talking of Grindr for chrissakes. Sex is always in order. But this does not mean they will always include blowjob and ass-fucking. After all, I have met a lot of guys from the app who are also hopeful about finding love in that ‘hopeless place’.
Finally, I’m gay and my posts are going to be gay. So to all homophobes out there, please back off.
Here goes my first post for this string.
Mr. Nose and I first talked on Grindr on December 15, around 3 PM (he’s got a pretty aquiline nose like Daniel Radcliffe’s so let’s refer to him as ‘Mr. Nose’). Our conversation went on like my usual: he sent me a ‘hello’; I made my witty sex jokes and then told him I wasn’t really into ‘right nows’ (or quick sex). The ‘not-into-rightnows’ thing though is clearly stated in my exactly-worded Grindr profile so no sex maniacs would dare ping me. You see, I’m more old-fashioned than what you think.
In the course of our conversation, I found out that Mr. Nose has just turned 28. He’s also a finance officer for a land developer, and taking up his MBA in La Salle. We exchanged personal info, photos and contact numbers until he asked me if it’s okay to call me. I said ‘why not’. Besides, he’s also cute. The fact that he’s a Kapampangan as well (he’s from Tarlac) made me feel light-hearted towards him. We talked on the phone in our vernacular and spoke for more than an hour. One convenience of Grindr is that it hooks you up with men who lives near to you. That same afternoon, we decided to meet at Cash and Carry, the closest landmark where we can meet halfway.
To tell you quite frankly, I wasn’t that attracted to him the first time I saw him. Although toned, he’s thin and has scrawny arms and legs. He was also wearing this fake sunglasses that made him look like one of those pathetic and pretentious preppy try-hards. But as we went on with our ‘dinner date’, I felt something with him I haven’t felt in a very long time: chemistry. We’re both Cabalens, we both graduated from FEU in college, we loved the same kind of music i.e. Norah Jones, Eraserheads and Pinoy alternative. We even walked around Cash sharing earphones and didn’t care about those who’d judge. It was one of those first dates where we just hit it off immediately.
However, there was one area where we kind of disconnect: our religious beliefs. It turns out, he was a Born Again Christian while I’m ‘born this way’. I’m a deist; he loves Jesus. But this difference wasn’t enough to ruin the moment for us. Guess god ain’t that almighty. Unfortunately, I couldn’t hang long with him because I had work to do. At exactly 7:30 PM, I bade him good-bye.
The texts and calls though continued.
The following day, we found ourselves exchanging I miss you’s. Unable to contain the ‘sexual tension’ between us any longer, he gave me the directions to his apartment which is a few blocks away from where I live. That night, I met him there and we got to know each other more. Then, we started to make out. And more. But we didn’t go all the way. I figured he’s someone I can see myself married to and it wouldn’t hurt to wait longer before we actually do it.
I learned a lot about his previous relationship that night, too. I found out that he was involved in a 4-year relationship with another guy whom he lived with in the same apartment and has just broken up with this year (can’t remember exactly when). He told me that his ex now lives with his new partner somewhere in Ortigas.
After that night, we had two more dates. One was a videoke date, while the other we had milk tea in a nearby tea shop and I stopped by his apartment again. The truth is I was starting to like him and I thought if we wanted to bring this thing that we have up a notch, we should start by revealing our ‘baggage’ as early as now. So I told him I still live with my ex. He was startled and became quite anxious. He said he knows how my current set-up with the ex works because he’s been there and has done that. Contrary to what I expected, my revelation made him more reserved about taking ‘what we have’ (we don’t have a brand for it) to the next level. After that night, texts and calls from him have become scarce.
Have I revealed too much too early? Was I emotionally slutty?
Last Friday, I didn’t receive a single text from him. So I sent him a ‘meltdown’ text message and told him how disappointed I was of him for not caring about my feelings and all. I also told him that if he wasn’t that into me anymore, he could just tell me because I’m a mature 23-year-old guy from UP and I can take it. All he said was he had a bad day and didn’t have the time to message me. He called and we talked for thirty minutes on the phone. I asked him if he still likes me. He said ‘yes’ because ‘I make him feel happy and secured’. It pissed me off, really. I hate that people stick with me only because I make them feel good about themselves. I’m not some phony self-help book for fuck’s sake.
Unfortunately, we weren’t able to iron things out because we’re not even sure about what we have. We’re not lovers, we’re not best friends, not fuck buddies. Having no start-off point made it impossible for us to reach an agreement. And so we ended the day agreeing to disagree.
And that’s how our little love affair [ended], more or less. I haven’t received a message from him ever since. There’s still a teeny bit of hope in me though that soon he’ll miss me and send me a message. Was it my fault to expect something from him considering the fact that we’re not even lovers? Was I an emotional slut? Did I reveal too much too soon?
In my defense, I am big on honesty and self-preservation. I’ve been weaving my own emotional safety nets most of my life and when I feel like I’m at risk of getting hurt, I tend to become more defensive. I am also definitely not the kind of person who would force himself to another just to make him like me. It’s not pride, it’s called self-respect.
Anyway, wherever Mr. Nose is, I do wish him happiness. What a pity, though. We could’ve had it all. We ended up rolling in the deep.