“Pota may putok yung katabi ko sa jeep!”
“Putsa siksikan na naman sa MRT!”
“Tangina, nasaan na ang mga bus? Late na ‘ko!”
Let’s face it: our public transport is an easy indicator of how much of a third world country we are (Cold War is over, I know, but… whatever). Wherever you go in this archipelago you see dilapidated tricycles and tacky colored jeepneys, even in seas; it takes a lifetime for the next train at Katipunan station to arrive; buses at Gil Puyat Avenue in the morning are practically cans of human beings waiting to be devoured by their monster bosses; and corrupt taxi drivers make you want to convince the government to legalize murder. I mean, have you ridden in one of those Santrans buses? Trust me, it’s the easiest way to die.
There are just so many things we can say about how the government failed in providing us safe, efficient and convenient public transportation. But maybe, just maybe, we’re whining too much and we fail to see the bright side of the annoying traffic at EDSA or the long ticket queues at our sophisticated train stations. After coercing and torturing myself to try to see the glass half full, I’ve come up with 9 reasons on why commuting in the country ain’t really that bad. Here goes.
1. Riding in crowded buses and trains can rejuvenate your sex life. How many times have you been felt up by sexy, tanned construction workers while riding the MRT? You were lost in thought looking at the relaxing scenery of squatter shanties in QC’s Agham Road area when all of a sudden a hand just magically appeared on your ass cheek. You were so bitin that you want to shout at the guy and say “Hi, why don’t you just go all out and stuff your penis inside my vagina, you perverted motherfucker!” If you’re lucky, the guy smells amoy-araw.
2. You can help resolve the long-standing problem of income inequality in the Philippines by riding in packed buses and trains. Do you feel guilty for buying an outrageously expensive iPhone when your neighbor doesn’t even have credits to text or call her son working in god-forsaken Egypt? You can donate it by playing Candy Crush or Subway Surfers in a bus full of snatchers and pickpocketers whose eyes are all on your gleaming smartphone. And if you’re feeling quite generous, put your wallet in the back pocket of your jeans for an easy access for these thieves and criminals. Don’t forget to visit the Baclaran Church and tell your god how charitable you have been.
3. The opportunity to legally sexually harass your crush or the good-looking guy beside you in the bus. When I was still single (haha) I love to sit beside the window in buses and put my bag at my side so that no one would dare seat next to me… unless of course a cute guy just got on the bus and was looking for a place, in which case my bag magically disappears from the seat as I invite him to sit with me with my tantalizing eyes. If I’m lucky, he does sit beside me and falls asleep during the travel, and that’s when I can pursue my evil plans. I will pretend to be sleeping and rest my head on his sturdy shoulder while “accidentally” rubbing my elbow on his. Para-paraan lang ‘yan. HAHA.
4. Forget about Disney World; the seat behind the tricycle driver is the happiest place on earth. ‘Nuff said.
5. That sleepy jeepney passenger as a source of comic relief. Studying at UP Diliman is tough. Our myriad of projects and assignments from our requirement-generous professors result to countless brain cell-massacring, sleepless nights. That’s why you cannot blame the nerdy Eng’g guy facing you inside a jeepney to SM North for exploiting the opportunity to doze off and visit his friends in Dreamland. But the situation can sometimes get messy (and funny) when he starts spewing saliva at the woman next to him, in which case you just have to look away because you’re evil and you’re unable to control the bubbling laughter brewing inside you anymore.
6. Meeting the lust of your life on a bus to Ayala, Makati. If you’re a gay guy on a bus to Ayala during the night, the chances of you sucking a stranger’s dick at a restroom in KPMG Center few minutes later are quite high. When I was still working for an SEO company in Makati, I met a guy on a bus who kept on rubbing his elbow against mine. He finally got my attention; we talked and he invited me for a quickie. And it didn’t happen only once (not that I’m boasting but… I’m unconventionally sexy. Live with it. Lolz). You may think I’m malibog but the truth is I turned down every offer (haba ng hair ko). And then I met Bebe. Ayie.
7. Possibilities of a live ‘splatter film’ viewing on an LRT/MRT platform. If it’s your lucky day, you’ll cross path with a depressed woman in a hospital gown while waiting for a train on the platform. My advice is do not take your eyes off her because you know what depressed women in hospital gowns do in train stations. Enjoy the sight. Tweet it. Instagram it. Scream like a crazy freak and then call the security guards.
8. Unexpected taxi tour around the metro in the wee hours of the night. It’s eleven in the evening. You just got out from school, dead tired and looking forward to raping your bed and making out with your pillow. You hail a cab. You study at UST and you live in the North but you just can’t comprehend why, instead of taking the easy Quezon Avenue route, the taxi driver decided to go through Pasay, and then Makati, and then Taguig, and then Pasig, and finally EDSA just to get you home. When you ask them why they didn’t take a more convenient route, you get the same effing reason: traffic. Gusto mo na lang pumatay ng mabait na tao.
9. A retreat while stuck in EDSA traffic. Mulling about leaving your nagging wife for your 16-year-old mistress? Make sure you pass by EDSA on your way to work. With the congestion and traffic delays there, I’m sure you’ll have enough time to make your mind up on life’s biggest choices and decisions. Never mind if you’re running late for work. Never mind the 3 billion dollars the economy is losing in human productivity. What’s important is you finally decide on whether or not you’re prepared to become a sugar daddy. EDSA is the new Baguio. It’s where millions of life-changing decisions are made every day due to the enormous amount of time to spare because of the fucking traffic. Thinking of killing your boss? Plan it in EDSA! Contemplating suicide? Climb a billboard in EDSA and give yourself a break! A very, very long break!
See how lucky you are? It’s more fun in the Philippines!